Random Thoughts

One Day you are fine. The next You’re Not. One minute you’re okay. The next you’re not. You can remember being okay yesterday. You can remember being fine a moment ago. But, why aren’t you okay? Honestly, who knows you just go from happy to not and you don’t know what sent you there. Some days you can’t convince yourself to get up. Others, you are speeding around getting everything done. Some days you have 1 episode other days you have 20+ episodes. Some days you are motivated and some you are depressed. Some days you are everything, some days you are nothing. Most days you just wish it would stop, some you wish it wouldn’t.

 

A few days ago I realized that this doesn’t have to be my weakness, I can make it my strength. I’ve always had a need for helping people but could never quite find anything to fill that need bit. Maybe just maybe this is it. Maybe this amazing journey I am on was my path all along. Maybe I had to get low so I could really see the light and really notice how bright it could shine for me.

 

I have conquered some of my biggest fears in the last few months and had anyone told me that I would actually be Pouring my heart out and posting it on the internet for the world to see I would have told them I didn’t believe them. I would’ve said that’s too hard, that’s too scary, I can’t possibly do that. But, here I am a couple posts in and getting more comfortable (kinda) each time.

 

To each and every one of you reading this, Keep Dreaming, Keep Trying, Keep Doing. I promise one day you will find your place in this world. It might take longer we would like but it will happen!!

Be Brave!!

Be Strong!!

BE YOU!!

Love Yourself!!!

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Suicide poem 2002

Ok, so this poem has weighed heavy on my heart for 15 years now. It needs a release. I need a release. This was written when I was 14 years old. My best friend at the time and I were going through some very dark times in our lives. Honestly from just before this was written to 16 was the darkest time of my life. See my dad was dying… slowly and it was the hardest thing I have ever witnessed even to this day. One of our really good friends was killed by a driver not paying attention. I don’t remember exactly why this was written I know I wasn’t contemplating but it was something going on and something I needed to get off my shoulders and out of my brain.

 

Here it is a poem written by a scared 14 years old finally seeing the light of day 15 years later

 

Suicide, why do people do it?

Is it a release or a punishment?

Why do people choose suicide?

Because they gave up on everyone

Or because everyone gave up on them?

Do you have to be mentally unstable to commit suicide

or do you just have to choose?

Does it take a lot of courage and willpower

Or do they just wake up one morning and say I’m going to kill myself?

Does it cross their mind that it will hurt everyone they’ve been around?

Do they have people that love them

Or does everyone hate them?

Have they ever had friends

Or have they been alone their whole lives?

Do their parents pay attention to them

or is it all a game?

Do they do drugs

Or are they goody goodies?

Have they ever loved someone

Or have they not gotten close to anyone?

Have they lost a good friend

Or have they not had a good friend?

Have they ever hurt anyone?

Do you know a suicidal person

Did it work or did it fail?

If it failed did they try again and again till it did work

Or did they give up after first try?

Did they start making friends

Or did they  stay with no friends?

Did they fall in love with someone

And be the happiest person alive

Or did they get used to be the saddest person alive?

Do they need attention

Or have too much attention?

Do people judge them

Even though they don’t know what the have been though?

Do their friends talk about them behind their back

Or do they try to stop them before it gets out of control?

Do you love them

Or do you love them?

Are they overweight

Or underweight?

Do they have medical problems? Are they dying

Or did they just come alive?

Do they need your help

Or have you helped them too much?

Will they let you help them

Or do they refuse your help?

Have you walked past them when they were crying

And you didn’t help them because you thought they had enough help

And you’d rather go on like nothing is going to happen

And be all cheery?

You never even tried to become friends with them

Did you want to be their lover but were afraid to be rejected?

Did you love them but kept it a secret

Then felt sorry when they were gone?

Thought it was your fault because maybe you could have made them happy

Gave them

A friend, A lover,

Someone for them to care about

Someone that cared for them

So they would feel better about themselves

Did they love you but you didn’t love them

Or loved them but they weren’t part of your “clique”

You would of been rejected by your “friends”

Suicide

Why do people do it?

Is there an answer to that question?

THINK ABOUT IT

 

 

Adobe Spark (4)

Reality

This is hard for me I’m not the type to put it all out there. I am a bipolar Mom with social anxiety.  I have 2 amazing boys. I am starting this blog to get things out of my head my fears, worries, dreams, and thoughts. My first dream associated with this blog is that it helps at least one mom get through whatever she may be going through! We as mommies support everyone else but who is there to support us? Our family and friends try but they just don’t get it. For example, the other day my fiance said why are you being so snappy lately and I just looked at him like you’re fing kidding me right? HELLO, I’M BIPOLAR!!! Sometimes snappy happens, sometimes emotional happens, sometimes happy happens, sometimes it’s the calm before the storm, sometimes it’s the devastating aftermath of the storm, sometimes it’s just calm. We can’t choose if we are going to be  Eeyore, Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, Kanga, Roo or Pooh that day or all of them in one day. We all need support from people who are going through the same things or at least relative things.

 

I want to be that support that you can’t get from the (NON-BIPOLARS) they just don’t get it no matter how hard they try they will never understand how it feels when your brain completely turns on you and doesn’t care what you want.

 

I want to share my stories with you good or bad that way we can all try to get through this as sane as possible, as happy as possible, and as graceful as possible.

I want to be your light!! We all need a light that shines into our darkest corners and shows us that it is ok to be dark, alone, scared but we can always come back from the darkness and see the beautiful light this world has.

Adobe Spark (3)

I Can Breathe Again

This new journey I am on in life is absolutely amazing. It has brought me back to life. I am more motivated and energized today than I was yesterday and the only thing different was getting things off my chest and breaking out of my shell

I can breathe again.

We all have different paths in life and sometimes we find it early sometimes it takes time, Sometimes we get knocked off track. Sometimes we have to switch tracks to avoid a head on collision.

That was me I had to switch tracks before a head on collision. I was barreling toward nothing but a dead-end. I would have been working a meaningless job that gave me nothing but stress and even more anxiety.

I had to change. I couldn’t let my choices in life ultimately harm my goals or get in the way of my kid’s dreams and goals.

They are my world. They are my Career. I can’t put ANYTHING above them they are what makes my world complete and stay on its axis.

They are 2 of the very few things that keep me grounded and sane.

I also realized to be able to give them the things they need in life emotionally and mentally to succeed in life I needed to learn these things too. I try to teach them what being Bipolar means. I try to teach them about bipolar and what my triggers are.That way they can maybe help someone who is having issues get through it instead of just saying “get over it” or “it’ll get better”. They will have the tools to possibly be able to help one person.If they can help one person it will be worth the effort.

I want them to know that Bipolar is a disorder but it is manageable it can be controlled and you can live a successful life.

I want them to know that mental disorders of any kind do not make you any less of a person if anything it makes you stronger. The people who have to fight to get up every day and fight to keep going and fight to succeed are my heroes!!! Those are the people I have the most respect for!!  

A Bipolar Mom Teaching Me To Be Me

Mom at 16. Mom again at 22. Bipolar social anxiety diagnosis at 23. Bipolar WAHM(work at home mom) at 29. 6 long years of trying to find out who I am again. I had that figured out then s**t hit the fan. How do you figure out who you are after living one way for 23 years? It’s hard and it takes a lot of strength and determination.

 

I started out believing I was worth less than the “non-bipolars” that there was something wrong with me and it needed to be medicated. That’s the only way to deal with Bipolar social anxiety right? No it’s not, or at least it wasn’t for me. Here is part of my story:     

 

When my youngest son was about 8 months old I went to the Dr. took his little test and he diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.

 

Yay! Maybe with meds I’ll even out.

 

I took the meds for about a year and then they stopped working. So, back to Dr. I went.

 

Yay! New meds! Maybe I’ll even out this time.

 

Nope. Not at all. So, back to the doctor I go. Over the next year I took about 5 different medications. For a year I was erratic. I was up. I was down. Then just down and down and down. I was to a point I couldn’t get out of bed and I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything.

 

So back to Dr., AGAIN!  This time I said, “Listen here, Doc. None of these are working I really would rather not take meds.” He suggested that I slowly wean off of them and that’s what I did.

***********MAKE SURE YOU TALK TO YOUR DR ABOUT ANY CHANGES YOU MAKE

So far it’s been 4 years since I’ve taken any meds. I did a lot of research, watched all kinds of videos, read articles and learned how to find my triggers and train myself to respond to them.. I’ve done really good for the most part. Of course, I’ve had my setbacks but I can deal with them better now. I learned when to just walk away. That was hard. Really hard. But my support system was amazing through it all. Without them I wouldn’t be where I am today.

 

I am now in the process of coming out of a setback. That is why I started this blog. I needed a new way to be able to express myself and say what I need to say, whether someone reads or not.

 

I was in a very dark place a couple months ago and was guided out by an amazing woman and the incredible company she is with. I was given the light to show my way out and I followed it. It took some time but here I am facing my fears and putting it all out there. If you had told me a year ago I would be starting my own business, writing a blog and putting myself out there for people to see or that I would weigh less than I have weighed in 12 years, I would have told you that you are crazy! I would have said, “I can’t do that it’s too scary, It’s too hard!”

 

Today, I can tell you it’s scary and it’s hard but isn’t anything worth having hard to get? Wouldn’t you rather work for something than it be just given to you? I would and I work so hard every day. I work to open myself up to people. I work to control my bipolar and anxiety. Some days I work to even get out of bed but it’s worth it. It’s worth getting up in the morning and turning my laptop on and starting my day and it pays off every day. Every day I get a little better, a little stronger, a little more confident, a little less scared, and a little closer to my dreams and goals. These disorders do not own or control me I own and control them!!

 

Take that step. Take that leap. It might be scary but it will be worth it. Become a better you. You  won’t regret it!20375679_10208165099599889_7283507338655408286_n